After 40

I may have shared this before, I definitely have, but my memory is very bad. I can't even remember what happened yesterday and it might be because I didn't do much but it is most likely for the same reason I do not remember this morning, the brain fog. I do not know how to clear the fog and it's really messing with my happenings. It is hard to do stuff when I cannot think properly, so that bastard will be one reason why I'm doing nothing to remember. There is a bigger problem here, I don't remember much about the years before reaching 40 years old, that means in the past 40 years anything could've happened and I do not recall most of it. Of course I have flashbacks but of course they only usually feature the bad times. I just want to feel alive and do things worth remembering.

I properly started cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) today and I was given some homework. I have a specialised diary to keep until I see her again next Tuesday and a bit like a naughty kid at school I am going to struggle to do it because it will involve acknowledging the problems I have but these things need to be done if I stand a chance of improving my health. I left there feeling worked up which is not welcomed but nobody says CBT is going to be easy. Today's session got me thinking, like it is supposed to, that I should keep a normal diary.

What is the point of keeping a diary?

It will give me something to refresh the memory and serve as a place to report on the goings-on inside this mind of mine but just as important I could use it as a place to pressure me into doing more worthy things to share because I am not going to keep a little padlocked book. Sharing is not fun but it really can help me.

During today's therapy meeting I spoke about how I occasionally challenge myself to do stuff that I have issues with and I often win, well for a little while, it can make me crash at times when I notice the challenge is still a problem. It can take me a long time to get over things and that is one thing we we'll be working on with CBT. Sharing is a challenge, you may have noticed that all my past posts have been deleted, most of the time I will leave a post published for just an hour or two before sending it to the bin.

Every little thing feels like a big thing in my life, does not matter what I do but when completed I should be able to count it as a win, I just feel like I'm always losing. Life is all about winnings and the losings.

Hang on, ain't this post supposed to be about my memory and how I plan on improving it?

Those brain training games on the Nintendo are fun but I am pretty good at games of pairs etc and so I don't really feel any benefit. What I want to be doing is getting involved in beneficial activities when I can and I want to be able to write about them so that I have somewhere to look back on when brain fog emerges and my mind is knackered.

I feel like I have no choice but to keep a diary and I need a memorable reason to do it. This is where sharing blog entries say hello. I have shown that I can write and get my thoughts down but sharing is the bigger challenge, if I say that I'm going to do this (and I don't delete any posts) then I really have to do go for it. I will not be removing any posts from here moving forward and I am expecting this hobby will help me a lot.

I may not remember enough about the past but I can start working on the storage and make new memories now, even at 40 years old. This begins today with this post.